Unpacking process: breaking patterns

    No matter what kind of process I’m in, the cycle of emotions and the tools I use are pretty similar.

When I am working on breaking a pattern, the trajectory is a bit different. Patterns are the things I do and/or feel over and over in response to certain situations. Human beings are creatures of habit. We all develop patterns.

     Say when you’re nine years old you end in a situation where someone is bullying you. You react by doing X. At that moment X is the best and maybe the only option you have. The next time you end up in a similar situation, you do react the same way because it seemed to work pretty well the last time. If you continue to react the same way over a period of years you create a pattern. Patterns have more to do with defenses and reactions than conscious responses.

    After twenty years may not be serving you anymore, but you continue to do it because that’s your pattern. However when you do X, you don’t like how you feel.

     The process of changing a pattern looks like:

1. I notice that in the past I’ve done X over and over. It’s not working. I don’t like how it

    feels. I want to respond differently.

2. In order to understand my reaction, I need to really look at what I’m doing. I make a

    conscious decision or set an intention to become more aware of when I do X. 

3.  I notice that I did X several times a couple weeks or a month ago.

4.  I notice that I did X twice last week.

5.  I notice that I did X yesterday.

6.  I notice that I did X earlier today.

7.  I notice in the moment that I’m doing X again, but am powerless to stop myself or do

     anything differently.

8.  I notice in the moment that I doing X again. I stop myself but feel frozen or trapped

     because I can’ do anything differently.

9.  I notice in the moment that I’m doing X again. I stop and make a different choice.

10. I notice that I’m about to do X and make a different choice.

     This is not a linear process. Even when I get the place where I’m aware of what I’m doing, I’ll miss something. I’ll catch myself doing X an hour later, but miss that I did the same thing three times yesterday. When I get to the place of being able to make a different choice I won’t all the time. I’ll have an unconscious moment or a one where I just don’t care and I’ll do X again. That’s just part of being human.

    In the awareness phase, the pattern seems to get bigger. It’s not that I’m engaging in the pattern more often, but I am paying attention differently. My focus changes so the pattern is at the front of my awareness. I feel like I’m doing X all the time and am often even more frustrated by it.

     When the pattern I’m changing is emotional or has a strong emotional component, breaking it is a little different.  In the moment, I am rarely able to consciously choose what I feel in relation to what’s happening.  There may be a few people who have that ability…and I suspect they all live in a monastery.

     Feelings aren’t facts. My emotions let me know I need to pay attention to what’s happening. They are raw information, not absolutes. Say the pattern I’m working to break involves feeling abandoned and reacting by practicing preemptive abandonment. (I know you’re going to leave, so I’ll leave you before you can leave me.) If I focus on making myself not feel abandoned, nothing is going to change.

     The feeling is a thread I can follow to find out what's triggering me. Once I know what the trigger is, I can shift from reacting to responding and break my pattern.

      In order to track the emotion back the trigger, I need to ask questions:

            -In situations where I feel abandoned, has anyone or anything actually abandoned me?   

            -What in these situations is similar to experiences I’ve had where I was abandoned?

            -Am I reacting to what’s going on now or something old?

            -Have I abandoned myself?

     Knowing what the trigger is allows me to change my relationship to it. As far as buttons and triggers go, we have what we have. I can’t make my triggers go away. I can take away some of the charge it has. When I really understand the trigger, it doesn’t have as much hold over me when it comes up. The next time I’m triggered, I can see it for what it is and respond differently even if I feel the same. Over time, if I’m able to respond in a new way, the feeling that accompanies the trigger will recede.

     Here again this is not a linear process. (Actually when it comes to process in general, I’m better off if I throw out linear completely. Emotional logic doesn’t move in a straight line.) Even with a trigger I’ve worked through I’ll have a day where I’m tired, off balance or emotionally vulnerable and BAM! The trigger and the feelings around it will come up with just as much force as they had before I worked on them. I may even slip back into my old pattern.

    Moments like that don’t mean I’m regressing. They’re just an affirmation that I’m human. Time to own my stuff, apologize and go on.