So how do we get to the gold in the shadow? The path to the gold runs through the swamp. Shadow gold is the treasure guarded by the monsters of our own creation.
Shadow work is soul work: challenging, evocative and illuminating. Many people spend their entire lives avoiding shadow work because it's too terrifying. Most people make their initial foray into shadow only when they can no longer avoid it. The tipping point is the apex where the pain of staying the same is greater than the fear of being different.
In my own excavations, what I've discovered inside myself has scared me far more than anything I've experienced in the world. Making the journey into shadow has absolutely been worth it each time. Every excursion opens me to being more authentic and brings me closer to who I want to be.
The shadow gold can be frightening too because it speaks to a new depth of meaning and bigger purpose. The idea of leaving behind the life you know to step into something larger is an edgy prospect.
The first step to excavating the gold in your shadow is looking at what you've disowned. What characteristics, forms of expression and pieces of Self do you habitually reject?
Some of the answers to this question lie in what triggers you, what irritates you in others and in the places where your behaviour is frequently misunderstood. A few weeks ago when I posted about triggers, I wrote about how triggering is an internal process. The external person, situation or event that sets off the trigger is merely a catalyst. The trigger itself is a package of emotions, wounding, experience and reactions that live inside you.
The places where you are often triggered and most prone to overreacting are the ones where your shadow is stepping up to say "hi." The extent to which your reaction feels beyond your control and leads you to behave in ways you later regret is a measure of how strong that shadow piece is.
Here's where things get tricky. Shadow, like most other aspects of being human, is multi-layered. If you've identified a trigger that you react to with anger and you've unpacked the trigger...that's the tip of the perpetual iceberg.
Triggers are points of vulnerability. Shying away from vulnerability is human nature. Our lizard brain survival instinct equates vulnerability with threat. Most of the time your immediate reaction to being triggered is to pull up some emotion that counteracts feeling vulnerable like anger, indignation, etc.
So the initial reactive emotion is essentially a defense. The more powerful your anger is, the more completely it will overcome any sense of vulnerability. The places where your anger is disproportionate to the situation are the places where you actually feel the most vulnerable. While the anger is part of your shadow, it's also protecting you from connecting with a deeper shadow piece that's much scarier, your vulnerability. The gold is found by unpacking the vulnerability that the anger monster is guarding.
The things that irritate you in other people are another valuable clue to what's in your shadow. We've all heard the saying "if you spot it, you've got it." Often when you're irritated with someone else, you're actually frustrated with the part of yourself the other person is mirroring back to you. But what about the times when "if you spot it, you got it" doesn’t seem to fit?
I can get pretty irritated with people who need to talk constantly, but that's not who I am. I value silence. I find that connection often deepens in shared silence. So what do constant talkers mirror that irritates me?
Constant talking pulls at my attention. It’s a form of having my focus pulled to something that feels trivial and I'd rather not deal with. I often feel the same irritation and impatience at life maintenance tasks like laundry and cleaning. Mirroring isn’t always obvious or direct.
Another clue to what's in your shadow comes from the places where your behaviour is often misunderstood. If your intention is X, but when you act on that intention people interpret your behaviour as being about Y...part of your intention was probably fueled by shadow.
For example, say you like helping other people; you regularly offer to help friends. When a friend refuses your offer, you respond by insisting that it's no problem, you're glad to do it, etc. Your intention was to be helpful. However your friend perceives everything beyond the initial offer of help as you being pushy. What's going on here?
If you look at why you wanted to help, you'll probably find your motivation wasn't as clear as you thought it was. If you're not feeling so good about yourself, was helping a friend a way to prove to yourself that you still have value? Was the offer of help more about looking for a way to connect because you miss your friend? Is this friend someone you feel you owe and helping is a way to even out your internal balance sheet?
If all this sounds like a way to dig up the swamp, you're right. You can try accessing the shadow gold directly by looking at the compliments you habitually push away. Most people have a harder time owning their strengths than their flaws and shortcomings. The flaws and shortcomings are the monsters guarding the gold. Slogging through the swamp allows you to meet the monsters and move them aside.
Once you have an idea of what's hiding in your shadow, write it down. For each little monster you've listed, write the complimentary or "opposite" characteristic next to it. Polarity is inherent in nature. Nothing one-sided can exist here. For every little monster you've listed, you also possess the corresponding strength. It may be underdeveloped or so buried that it seems inaccessible or unreal, but it's there. That's the gold. The gold is as much a part of you as the little monsters are.
So now what? You've gotten a glimpse of the gold, how do you excavate it? That's next week's topic.
In my own excavations, what I've discovered inside myself has scared me far more than anything I've experienced in the world. Making the journey into shadow has absolutely been worth it each time. Every excursion opens me to being more authentic and brings me closer to who I want to be.
The shadow gold can be frightening too because it speaks to a new depth of meaning and bigger purpose. The idea of leaving behind the life you know to step into something larger is an edgy prospect.
The first step to excavating the gold in your shadow is looking at what you've disowned. What characteristics, forms of expression and pieces of Self do you habitually reject?
Some of the answers to this question lie in what triggers you, what irritates you in others and in the places where your behaviour is frequently misunderstood. A few weeks ago when I posted about triggers, I wrote about how triggering is an internal process. The external person, situation or event that sets off the trigger is merely a catalyst. The trigger itself is a package of emotions, wounding, experience and reactions that live inside you.
The places where you are often triggered and most prone to overreacting are the ones where your shadow is stepping up to say "hi." The extent to which your reaction feels beyond your control and leads you to behave in ways you later regret is a measure of how strong that shadow piece is.
Here's where things get tricky. Shadow, like most other aspects of being human, is multi-layered. If you've identified a trigger that you react to with anger and you've unpacked the trigger...that's the tip of the perpetual iceberg.
Triggers are points of vulnerability. Shying away from vulnerability is human nature. Our lizard brain survival instinct equates vulnerability with threat. Most of the time your immediate reaction to being triggered is to pull up some emotion that counteracts feeling vulnerable like anger, indignation, etc.
So the initial reactive emotion is essentially a defense. The more powerful your anger is, the more completely it will overcome any sense of vulnerability. The places where your anger is disproportionate to the situation are the places where you actually feel the most vulnerable. While the anger is part of your shadow, it's also protecting you from connecting with a deeper shadow piece that's much scarier, your vulnerability. The gold is found by unpacking the vulnerability that the anger monster is guarding.
The things that irritate you in other people are another valuable clue to what's in your shadow. We've all heard the saying "if you spot it, you've got it." Often when you're irritated with someone else, you're actually frustrated with the part of yourself the other person is mirroring back to you. But what about the times when "if you spot it, you got it" doesn’t seem to fit?
I can get pretty irritated with people who need to talk constantly, but that's not who I am. I value silence. I find that connection often deepens in shared silence. So what do constant talkers mirror that irritates me?
Constant talking pulls at my attention. It’s a form of having my focus pulled to something that feels trivial and I'd rather not deal with. I often feel the same irritation and impatience at life maintenance tasks like laundry and cleaning. Mirroring isn’t always obvious or direct.
Another clue to what's in your shadow comes from the places where your behaviour is often misunderstood. If your intention is X, but when you act on that intention people interpret your behaviour as being about Y...part of your intention was probably fueled by shadow.
For example, say you like helping other people; you regularly offer to help friends. When a friend refuses your offer, you respond by insisting that it's no problem, you're glad to do it, etc. Your intention was to be helpful. However your friend perceives everything beyond the initial offer of help as you being pushy. What's going on here?
If you look at why you wanted to help, you'll probably find your motivation wasn't as clear as you thought it was. If you're not feeling so good about yourself, was helping a friend a way to prove to yourself that you still have value? Was the offer of help more about looking for a way to connect because you miss your friend? Is this friend someone you feel you owe and helping is a way to even out your internal balance sheet?
If all this sounds like a way to dig up the swamp, you're right. You can try accessing the shadow gold directly by looking at the compliments you habitually push away. Most people have a harder time owning their strengths than their flaws and shortcomings. The flaws and shortcomings are the monsters guarding the gold. Slogging through the swamp allows you to meet the monsters and move them aside.
Once you have an idea of what's hiding in your shadow, write it down. For each little monster you've listed, write the complimentary or "opposite" characteristic next to it. Polarity is inherent in nature. Nothing one-sided can exist here. For every little monster you've listed, you also possess the corresponding strength. It may be underdeveloped or so buried that it seems inaccessible or unreal, but it's there. That's the gold. The gold is as much a part of you as the little monsters are.
So now what? You've gotten a glimpse of the gold, how do you excavate it? That's next week's topic.
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