Repainting the Holiday Blues

      

      So here we are again….the holidays. The shopping push has already begun. We haven’t even celebrated Gratitude Day yet and there’s Christmas music in the grocery store. With that comes the pressure to throw all our energy behind this being the most wonderful time of the year. For many people this time of year is marked by mixed emotions. We struggle not to judge our feelings because they don’t match the external expectation to be merry.

     There are numerous articles filled with tips on dealing with holiday stress. After reading through several of them what struck me was that while the tips were good, they don’t address the underlying cause…the expectations we create for ourselves, the expectations we take on from the external world and the grief that holidays can trigger.

    At this time of year we’re bombarded with idealized images of family. Holiday TV specials are filled with miraculous reconciliations of family conflicts, exiled loved ones returning to a perfect homecoming and wholly functional families. Ads in print and on TV brim with images of the ideal gift and holiday parties where everyone has a wonderful time.

    While these images are no more “real” than geckos selling insurance, they hook us. The images call to our human yearning for connection, family and belonging. We take in the images. We compare our families, our lives and how we feel about the holidays to the images we’re presented with and come up short. That’s inevitable any time we compare our insides to someone or something’s outsides.

    Every media message says we’re “supposed” to be happy at this time of year or at least act like that’s how we feel. That creates cognitive dissonance; the discomfort we feel when our beliefs and emotions don’t match external reality. The holidays come with a truckload of cognitive dissonance. Idealized images of stress free holidays conflict with how pressured we feel about hosting the perfect holiday gathering. Pervasive messages about the joy in finding the right gift conflict with stress exuded by most shoppers in every store we visit.

    So how do we disentangle ourselves? The holidays have a peculiar hook. They call up a yearning that’s been with us since childhood. When a longing is so deep it seems to be imprinted in our cells, it’s hard to acknowledge the feeling and move on rather than react. We leap into the momentum of the longing, allow it to propel us straight through hope and into expectation before we’re even aware of what we’re doing.

    Although I hesitate to use the word “always”, I am hard pressed to find a circumstance where expectation isn’t a set up. Expectation is usually a combination of hope and want. Rather than creating an expectation or taking on the expectation that’s handed to us from the barrage of holiday images, we can chose to be with what is.

   Yes, the longing is real. So is the powerlessness. We can’t create a perfect holiday. We can’t make ourselves feel differently about the holidays. We can accept and allow what is.

   The difference between what we have and what we wish we had will probably bring up some grief. It does for most people. The holiday images we’re presented with are basically special effects. They hit us differently than spectacular Hollywood explosions because they call to a deep human longing. What we’re really reacting to is not the external images but the yearning and emotions we already carry.

   For most people the holidays are bittersweet. That’s real. The pressure to be merry can easily push us to ignore or suppress our feelings of grief. As with other emotions, the energy we put into masking that grief only feeds it. What we resist persists. Our capacity to feel joy is equal to our ability to feel pain. Repressing grief because we “should” feel happy prevents us from feeling happy. Suppressed grief becomes the heaviness we carry through the holidays.

    Along with mixed emotions, the holidays carry a strong thread of memory. Whether we remember the messed up Christmas where someone walked out and/or the best Christmas we ever had, both are in the past. We can neither recreate them nor guarantee that nothing like that will ever occur again. Tradition notwithstanding, the holidays don’t magically give us the ability to control what happens.

    Many holiday traditions are bound up in obligation. The antidote to holiday obligation may be giving ourselves the gift of freedom from tradition. When traditions are held rigidly, they die. When we keep repeating the same things because that’s how it’s always been done, we lose the spark that gives them meaning. In order for traditions to remain vital and alive they have to grow and change. I propose we start a new holiday tradition of authenticity by expressing both the joy and the grief rather than choosing one over the other.

    When the weight of the holiday emotions becomes overwhelming, stepping outside ourselves can help. It doesn’t take away the heaviness, but it can help balance it. No, I’m not going to launch into suggesting volunteering at a homeless shelter, etc. Yes that can help. It can also add additional stress when we think about trying to fit one more time consuming thing into an already packed holiday schedule.

    While many of us donate canned goods or put a dollar in the Salvation Army kettle, how about something a little more personal? What about committing a random act of kindness that involves connection and looking another human being in the eyes? While we’re at it, what about being kind to ourselves?

    There are some great suggestions in Lifehack’s 29 Ways to Carry Out Random Acts of Kindness Every Day. Here are a few more:

1. Compliment a stranger

2. Give money to someone who’s begging

3. Give your place in the check-out line to someone who looks stressed

4. Tip big - order coffee or a meal and tip as much as the bill.

5. Give yourself permission to feel what you feel

6. Give some of the time and energy you feel pressured to give to other people and things to you. Take a bath. Read. Let yourself be quiet and still for a few minutes.

7. Create your own Pledge For Grateful Living and see how it changes your holiday experience.

The old and new paradigms in relationships with others

     

So how do the old and new paradigms play out in our relationships with others? For starters each paradigm has a different base for relationships. New paradigm relationships are based in reciprocity. Reciprocity is the free flow of energy that facilitates mutual giving and receiving.

    Old paradigm relationships are based on need. The people who befriend me do so because they need something from me. I make friends with people who have something I need. As long as the need remains strong, the relationship stays intact. Sounds like a perfect recipe for codependence, huh?

     It also sounds like old paradigm relationships are basically an agreement between two people to mutually use each other. Remember paradigms are a set of beliefs that become our operating principles and the way we see the world. Many of these beliefs are largely unconscious. If I’m operating from old paradigm beliefs I can genuinely like or even love a friend and still see the relationship in terms of what I can get from it.

    Need can play out in subtle ways. Add in the old paradigm emphasis on how others see me and I may need to hang out with you because it makes me look better. You may need to befriend me because I have connections you could use.

     Need based relationships give birth to both expectation and obligation. The saddest thing about this mess of need, obligation and expectation is that leaves no room for random acts of kindness. If I receive a random act of kindness, I am obligated to repay it in some way.  If I am randomly kind to someone else, I expect them to repay me. Obligation and expectation negate the spirit in which random acts of kindness are given and received. These principles also make it very difficult to ask for help or receive help because that too creates obligation.

    The old paradigm beliefs around the need for hierarchies and survival of the fittest also play in. In order to maintain a hierarchy in every relationship one person has to be above the other. So a relationship of equals isn’t possible. To keep the hierarchy going, I have to know where I stand in every relationship. Survival of the fittest says not only do I need to know where I stand, I have to make sure I’m on top…and to do that I have to keep score.

     I have to make sure there are more chits on my side of the board than on yours. This principle is often unconsciously embodied by people who appear giving and selfless. One way to insure I’m at the top of the hierarchy with most people is to become a consummate giver. If I’m always the one doing for others or taking care of others then I’m continually upping my score and making sure others owe me.

    Because our society looks favorably on givers, I take on the appearance of being selfless and a “good” person. People caught in the giving trap often have a hard time saying “no.” Even if they don’t want to do something, the fear of what others may think if they refuse can push them to do it anyway. If I’m really boxed in by what others think I may get angry at you for asking because I feel obligated and don’t know how to say “no.”

     Most people cringe at the thought of keeping score in relationships. If your first thoughts when a friend says “no” or does something you don’t like are about how he should behave differently because you helped him move last year, you’re keeping score. If you do something for a friend when you really don’t want to because she supported you through a rough time three years ago, you’re keeping score. If you’ve said or thought “After everything I’ve done for you”, you’re keeping score. Keeping score fuels the cycle of obligation.

     The new paradigm simplifies all of this. If my relationships are based on reciprocity, there’s little room for obligation and keeping score. I’ll create an expectation or two because I’m human. Because expectations aren’t a part of the fabric of my relationships, I have the opportunity to own them and let them go. When I come from how I feel when I relate to others, keeping score makes no sense.

     Conflict in relationships brings up another layer of the contrast between the old and new paradigm. The old is based on either/or. That principle, combined with hierarchy and need, pretty much require fault and blame if there’s a conflict. In an either/or there are only two options. The possibility of things just happening that are nobody’s fault can exist as an idea, but in a moment of conflict blame must be assigned.

    Designating blame can be direct or subtle. The need to make the “right” decision also figures in. If I blame myself, it means I haven’t made the right decision about something which threatens my place in the hierarchy.

     Under the old paradigm principles it’s virtually impossible to separate responsibility from blame and fault. Taking responsibility for my actions means blaming myself so that’s only permitted within limits. I can stay within those limits by saying “yes, I did that” and offering a long explanation for what happened. That position is very similar to accepting a compliment by saying “thank you, but” and then refuting whatever nice thing someone just said about me.

    The old paradigm emphasis on public persona and not showing emotion also affects interpersonal relationships. The new paradigm values authenticity. The old does not. In the old paradigm it’s far more important to make sure everything looks good than to create real connection. So I can have lots of fun social friendships but the deeper soul-feeding ones risk violating my operating principles.

    To some extent we all have a foot in each paradigm. How much we live from each varies person to person. We each have a choice about which beliefs we feed, nurture and let go of. There are times when the principles of each paradigm can be useful. In the bigger picture, the new paradigm welcomes more openness, interconnectedness, authenticity and creativity.

The old and new paradigms in relationship to self

   

  Before I launch into this week's topic....happy birthday to Viva la Duende! The blog is one year old this week. Wow. I started the blog because I kept getting nudged to do it. I wasn't sure how well I'd do with keeping my commitment to write every week. I've been pleasantly surprised by how often the Universe keeps presenting me with topics to explore. Thanx Universe! Thanx readers!
    
    We live in a world that's still largely built on the old paradigm. Because those principles are so ingrained it can be difficult to see how they really work. The contrast between old and new paradigm beliefs comes through more clearly in our relationships to ourselves and to others.
    Relationship with self includes how well know ourselves, how we approach our own healing and how we see ourselves. Having a conscious relationship with you is important because your relationship with you is the template for all the other relationships you form. Your relationship with others is a reflection of your relationship with yourself.
    The old paradigm acknowledges that some level of relationship with self is needed. Those beliefs support having an awareness of your place and how well you fit within the rules and norms of your peers and society. However the old paradigm principles inhibit your ability to form a deeper or broader relationship with who you are.
     Introspection is an essential tool for deepening your relationship with you.  Introspection is a foray into your internal landscape to examine your feelings, thoughts, behaviours and experiences. The old paradigm supports introspection as a purely mental process you use to decide if you're making the "right" choice and not upsetting anyone else. But that level of self-examination leads you into knowing more about what others expect from you and how you measure up to those expectations than knowing who you are.
     The old paradigm's emphasis on making the "right" decision implies that "right" is immutable, universal determination. It isn't. What's right for me may not be right for anyone else. What feels right to me in this moment may not fit five minutes from now. The old principle of deferring to external authority says whether or not something feels right to me is irrelevant. What matters is "right" according to my parents, teachers, gurus, my boss, etc.
     Introspection has the potential to open you up to real change but only if you engage with it as more than an intellectual exercise. Here again we crash into the limits of the old paradigm belief around living from the outside. Change is an inside job. It's birthed from my gut not an idea I have about what I "should" be doing.
      Additionally understanding my feelings, thoughts, wounding and beliefs requires asking myself questions. The old paradigm only supports questioning as long as it doesn't bring up anything painful or create a conflict with established authority.
      Add in the old paradigm beliefs about the need for control, including self-control, and the importance of keeping my persona in place and there's no room for asking questions that risk me meeting the unknown. The unknown is, by definition, something I can't control. If I step into the unknown I risk feeling pain and fear, which I may not be able to control. If I can't control those emotions someone may see how I really feel and that will betray my persona. So according to the old paradigm this whole process has a "Keep Out!" sign on it.
     The old paradigm also stipulates that appearance is reality. So if I stumble across something in myself I don't like or want to deal with, as long as everything outside looks okay, I'm fine. (Maybe that's f.i.n.e.) We all use external distractions when we're struggling or overwhelmed.
    Shopping or eating some chocolate can be a harmless and sometimes needed distraction if I'm conscious about I'm doing. However, if I truly believe that rearranging the furniture or buying new shoes is going to change something I'm uncomfortable with in myself, I'm in trouble.
     Staying within old paradigm beliefs, I can only create a shallow relationship with myself that fits in the confines of what others think and are comfortable with. That doesn't give me room to engage in my own healing process because I can't get close enough to my wounding to work with it.
     The principles of the new paradigm not only support a deeper relationship with self, they invite me to create one. The new paradigm asks us to own our authority. To claim my authority I need to trust myself. My trust in people I don't know is generally limited. So to trust me I need to know who I am. Knowing who I am isn't a place I arrive. I am a work in progress. My relationship with me is a fluid and continually changes 
     As I go deeper into self-examination I will eventually unearth something I don't like. That awareness will likely involve pain. The old paradigm says pain is bad and to be avoided. The new says pain is a necessary part of growth. It says "Okay, if you don't want to look you don't have to. That's your choice. Make it consciously."
     There is enormous freedom in that invitation to move beyond either/or. The new paradigm opens us to the possibility of getting to know ourselves without the need to judge everything we find. Making conscious choices allows us to be responsible for our decisions without fault or blame being a part of the equation. Fault and blame are only necessary when our operating principles require us to evaluate our choices based on what we assume others may think and feel about them.

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The Old and the New Paradigm

    Old paradigm, new paradigm, paradigm shift....more buzz words. So what the heck is a paradigm? A paradigm is a generally accepted world view. The principles and beliefs which support that way of looking at the world are the foundation of a paradigm.
    Paradigms apply to individuals as well as families, organizations, institutions, nations and corporations. If you google "new paradigm" you'll get a ton of hits relating to  the new paradigm in business and management styles. As individuals, the beliefs of the paradigm we align with become our operating principles. Those operating principles underly every choice we make from how we behave in public to what we buy at the grocery store.
     A paradigm shift is a revolution. We are living in the midst of a paradigm shift. This is a radical change in individual and societal thinking. Paradigm shifts facilitate the emergence of new truths and are an essesntial part of our evolution. This is not about the old paradgm being "bad" and the new paradigm being "good." The old paradigm worked for where we were as a species but we're outgrowing it...have outgrown it.
    In a historical context, the Renaissance explosion of art and science was birthed from a shift out of the paradigm of the Middle Ages. We've experienced small paradigm shifts in our lifetime. In the 1970's we drove gas guzzler cars. We believed the use of fossil fuels was benign and our supply was unlimited. Today we have hybrid vehicles and electric cars. Environmental concerns have become so mainstream they're used to advertise everything from appliances to paper towels and cleaning products.
    Paradigm shifts don't just happen. The shift momentum comes from change agents. The environmentalists of the 1970's were change agents. They stuck to their  convictions even though those ideas were unpopular and marked them as a fringe element. That's not an easy choice to make.
    Embracing a new paradigm in a world that still holds the old places you, to varying degrees, on the edge of or outside the society you live in. On the personal level, emabracing the new can put you at odds with friends and family who don't understand where you're coming from. (Astrologically, the Aquarians are likely to lead the change. They are the born visionaries, change agents and messengers of the new.)
    All of us are born into whatever paradigm is in place at the time of our birth. Whether we internalize that paradigm as our own or take on a new one depends on many different factors. Children tend to take on their parents beliefs. As we mature we have the opportunity to question those beliefs and create our own. Sounds simple, but in order to ask questions you have to be aware that questioning is an option. As you'll see in the list below, asking questions isn't part of the old paradigm.
    Paradigm shifts are a time of intense transition and upheaval. Some people immediately embrace the new because they recognize it's more aligned with who they are. While others cling to the old, trying to hold it in place because the new threatens their way of life. Most people fall somewhere in the middle. They like some of the new and fear letting go of some of the old.
    Several years ago I began making a list of the old and new paradigm principles I saw colliding around me. I found a couple similar lists on the internet, including A Comparison of Old and New Paradigm Perspectives   Here's my list:

    Initially the beliefs on my list felt a bit random. It took me a couple years to see the connecting thread. The crux of our current paradigm shift lies in where we place our authority. The old paradigm is based in hierarchies and the belief that most people need to be led and controlled by an external authority that knows better than they do. The new paradigm is based in the belief that all of us are our own best authority.    
     Seeing the principles laid out in a list may not mean much. The real impact comes in looking at how these beliefs play out in our lives. 

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