Not Caring What Others Think...Huh?

    

 I’ve lost count over the past few weeks of how many posts I’ve seen on Facebook about not caring what other people think. I shared one on my Facebook page last week.

“When you truly don’t care what anyone thinks of you . You have gotten dangerously close to something called freedom.” Faulty grammar aside, later that day I found myself thinking about what I’d shared. While it was a powerful aphorism, it was also a bit misleading.

     That can happen with aphorisms. We forget the short saying embodies a larger truth and take it as the entire truth. I care what other people think. You care what other people think. Not caring what other people think period is the territory of sociopaths and other personality disorders.

     I care because I'm able to empathize. Empathy is one of beautiful things that make us human. Empathy facilitates compassion, caring and kindness. Considering others and being mindful of both our influence on others and their influence on us are all aspects of emotional intelligence.What kind of person would I be if I didn't care?

    The same faculty that allows me to care what others think also lets me care about what’s happening in Ferguson and on our planet. It lets me empathize with friends who are struggling and clients. If I disconnect from caring what others think, I cut myself off from my ability to empathize in general. That’s not something I want to get rid of.

      The not caring what others think thing speaks to the importance of being who you are and using how you feel in your own skin as a guide for that, rather than allowing others wounding, fears and opinions to dictate what mask you wear. That’s a vital part of how authentic we each are.

     But being who you are isn’t about not caring what others think. It’s about being mindful of how you care and doing it differently. That involves both discernment and acceptance.

    When I get feedback from someone I try to consider the source first. Who is this person? What kind of relationship do we have? Do they know me well enough to understand where I am and where I’m coming from? Have I done or said something that triggered them?

     People frequently respond from fear and wounding around things they don’t understand. Ditto for the way people often react when they’re triggered. When someone gives me feedback a portion of it is about me and what I’m doing. A part of their feedback is also a statement of where they are and not directly about me.

    When I get feedback from someone l’m close to, even if some of it seems off, I don’t dismiss it immediately. How much I care about what the other person thinks varies for me relationship to relationship. Sometimes I need a little time to get clear about what their feedback brought up for me. Yes, every time someone voices a not so supportive opinion of what I’m doing it brings up a little internal twitch because some part of me wants to be accepted by that person.

    The desire for acceptance goes hand in hand with that need to belong. That’s just part of being human. If the feedback I get mirrors the discomfort I feel around what I’m doing or resonates with some part of me that’s not okay with what I’m doing my internal reaction is more than a little twitch. It can range from the desire to reframe what I’m doing so they understand to second guessing myself or scrambling around in my head searching for some way to get this person back in my corner.

     Doing something new is uncomfortable. So if my discomfort is just about doing something new, I can acknowledge the feeling and go on. If I find some part of me that’s not okay with what I’m doing, that bears a deeper look. Even if I sit with my own discomfort the source may not become clear. There are times when I just need to do something regardless of my own discomfort.

     When I’ve pushed myself into a place where so much is new that everything feels a bit uncomfortable, all I can do is go with my gut. Yes, I’ve been nudged to do things that could be seen as “mistakes”. Often a few years later I can see how much I needed to “fail” or make big mess because in the process of working my way back out of the mess I got some amazing gifts.

    This brings up another aspect of acceptance. If everyone likes, supports and approves of me and what I’m doing, something is very wrong. That’s an indication of being such a chameleon that I am what everyone else wants me to be. Not everyone is going to like me, support me or understand what I’m doing. That’s just how it is.

     Accepting that opens me to let others be where they are without trying to make myself into what they want or trying to change how they feel. When I’m able to let others be where they are I’m practicing both acceptance and generosity. Practicing that with others allows me to be just as kind to myself.

   I do use other peoples experience as an example when they’ve been through something I’m in midst of for the first time. However I do my best to stay mindful of not allowing that to become me judging myself based on someone else’s standards.

    The bigger question is whether I want to live from the outside in or the inside out. Living from the inside out means letting how I feel in my skin be what guides my choices…even in the face of confusion or disapproval from others. Bottom line - I’m the one who has to look myself in the eye in the mirror when I brush my teeth.