Resistance and leaping

     Last Saturday I participated in my first 5Rhythms workshop. Yep, I’m writing about dancing again. That seems to be the vehicle the Universe is using to show me where I am these days. I registered for the workshop a couple weeks ago. As the date drew closer I noticed some resistance to actually going.

     Sometimes resistance arises loudly. It’s a big “Oh no you’ve got to be kidding!” This resistance was quieter. It felt like a little internal catch, as if I was holding my breath around something.

    Often we view resistance as either a “no” or an enemy that must be defeated. Backing up or steamrolling ahead are options that exist as extremes on a continuum. There’s a whole of middle ground between them.

    Resistance is a sign that I’m pushing the edge of my comfort zone. Resistance is part of process of change. It’s tied to our survival mechanisms. We have that ego thing that’s only comfortable and safe in what it knows. Change involves stepping beyond the known so the ego perceives it as threatening. Once that sense of threat comes up, our lizard brains jump in.

     The lizard brain pretty much operates on threat or no threat. It doesn’t discern between the threat posed by uncovering something in me that I may not like and walking into a dark cave with something growling inside that might decide I’m lunch.

     Resistance is one of the many faces fear wears. Being resistant to change is not a lack of motivation, intention or desire. On the flip side, intention, motivation and desire don’t automatically create change. Authentic change doesn’t happen until I’m willing to work with my fear.

     When resistance comes up for me the first question I ask myself is whether the resistance is internal or external. The answer to that question is often not as obvious as it seems. Many times I’ve made a decision, begun taking action on it and immediately run into an obstacle or two or three.

      I suddenly have four other things I need to put in the time slot I reserved for something else. The money I was going to use for a workshop needs to go to an unexpected expense. Before the workshop I need to get a whole list of other things done and I won’t have time. Blah, blah, blah.

      While all of that may be true, it’s also possible that it’s entirely self-created….even if it appears to be external . When I decide to go do something that I’m feeling resistance to and my car breaks down, if part of me is looking for an excuse to back out I can use my car as a justification not to show up for the scary thing. If my car broke down a week earlier when I wasn’t looking for an excuse not to do the scary thing…okay, that’s just life. Get the car fixed and go on.

     The difference is not in what happened, but how I choose to perceive it. If I’m already looking for an excuse, I can project that onto an external event and use it as a justification for not showing up.

    Here’s the tricky bit, it’s not an either/or. I may end up using the money I was going to spend on a workshop to get my car fixed. That doesn’t mean the workshop was a bad idea. It may be question of timing. Perhaps there’s another workshop next month that’s a better fit for me.

     I can also chose not to do the scary thing right now and still work with whatever resistance came up around it. The most important bit in moving with my resistance is being conscious of what I’m doing. Resistance is a like a toddler. If I don’t engage it, it tries even harder to get my attention.

    It may not get louder tomorrow or next week, but the next time that piece of resistance comes up, it’ll be yelling. The liability of choosing to steamroll over my resistance is that while it gets me past it temporarily, I usually rob myself of the opportunity to find out what the resistance was about. So my resistance stays intact and is free to resurface in another context.

    Even if it seems to be attached to an external event, resistance is something I feel. It’s an internal reaction that comes from inside me. While my emotions are one of the best sources of info I have, feelings aren’t facts. The way I feel is reflection of my inner experience. My feelings don’t necessarily have anything to do with what’s happening in the external world. I could be reacting to a trigger that has to do with an old childhood experience.

    Working through resistance is often a process that happens in layers. I work with the piece I’ve got right now and that makes room for another bit to arise. Sometimes it takes a while for me to figure out what my resistance is about. Like so many other things, I can’t make myself know what’s up right this minute, but I can certainly make the process take longer if I get in my own way.

     Moving with my resistance doesn’t magically make it go away. Consciously being with my resistance does take some of its power away. When I look at it head on, my resistance doesn’t get to slide around in the dark and look bigger than it really is. Sometimes I reach a place where I feel as though I’m teetering on a precipice. I’m caught between the fear and the possibility of a new experience.

    The only thing I know to do with that place is leap before I look. If I stand there and think about, I can keep teetering for years. It comes down a question of what I would do if I wasn’t afraid and am I willing to do it even though I’m scared.

     At other times I need to feel the fear and do it anyway before I have any idea what my resistance was about. I still excavating what my resistance to 5Rhythms is about. Doing the workshop last weekend did show me a piece of it. Some part of me is leery because dancing is so much fun. Hmm….next week’s topic perhaps?