Introverts and Holidays

   This year I got three invitations to Thanksgiving dinner. Although I turned down two of them, I got a good dose of warm fuzzies over being a wanted guest at three tables. The invitation I accepted was to a small gathering.  A couple days later, the friend who was hosting dinner called to let me know she’d invited a couple more people. This caused me to rethink whether or not I was going to attend. When I told to my friend how I was feeling about the extra humans, she responded with “Well it’s the holidays.”

     Yes, the holidays tend to be a very social couple months. While social gatherings do tend to be seasonal, being an introvert is not. Thanksgiving through New Year’s Eve is filled with group dinners, parties and large social gatherings. This is enough to make any introvert cringe a bit. (If I was in charge, starting January 1 I’d give all the introverts a week off to recover.)

     I often refer to myself as socially disabled. Now it’s a joke rooted in my acceptance of myself as an introvert. A few years ago it more self-deprecation based on feeling my social awkwardness was a flaw. Then I read The Introvert Advantage. That book enabled me to begin shifting my relationship with my introversion.  

    From The Introvert Advantage, I learned that introversion and extroversion have a physiological basis. It’s something we’re born with, not something we chose. When I viewed my social ineptness as a flaw, I went into social gathering with an inner dialogue about needing to be outgoing. Rather than understanding and paying attention to my needs, I was trying to make myself into an extrovert. It didn’t work. What I really needed was to become a more conscious introvert.

   The Introvert Advantage gave me the tools begin doing that. I’ve been pleasantly surprised to discover that being a more conscious introvert allows me to develop better extrovert skills. The book also has some great information on how extroverts function and what they need. That was an eye opener for me too. Before reading it, I didn’t understand why my extrovert friends needed to be so busy all the time. Now I get it.

    The brains of introverts and extrovert process and respond to stimuli differently. Extroverts are energized by external stimuli. They need social gatherings filled with people, noise and activity to recharge. In an extrovert’s brain, the stimuli spread out. So the brain is shallowly stimulated across a broad area.

    Introverts feel energized by interacting with their internal world. They need quiet and alone time to recharge. In an introvert’s brain, external stimuli activate smaller areas at a deeper level.

      In large social gatherings with lots of stimuli, introverts go into overload. What seems like a small dinner party to an extrovert can feel huge to an introvert. Extroverts can easily handle lots of people. For an introvert any group larger two can feel big.

   Because of the way their brains process stimuli, extroverts can comfortably navigate group conversations or parties with multiple discussions going on at the same time. For an introvert this situation is like trying to run an obstacle course in a packed sports arena during an NBA game. It’s not instinctive, obvious or easy. (Actually if the introvert went on instinct, she’d run out the door!)

   For years I’d wondered why social situations made me tired. Even if I had a great time, I’d come home exhausted. From The Introvert Advantage, I learned that interaction is draining for introverts. Understanding that social interaction is draining for an introvert allowed me to start planning in the recovery time I needed afterwards. When I know what I need to recharge, it’s easier to say “yes” to group activities. It’s also easier for me to recognize when I’ve reached my social limit and say “no.”

   During the holiday season when the social gatherings are more frequent, my taking care of me skills get challenged. The ideal for me is one social thing a week, at most, with lots of time to write, draw and not interact. That’s not always possible. So I have to get more creative to stay out of that grumpy place where I don’t want to talk to anyone, no matter how much I like them. If I can’t get a day to myself, I can usually get an hour or two to read or play a game on the computer. If that doesn’t work, I grab my ear buds, close my eyes and listen to music for half an hour. Some other things I use to recharge include watching a movie, taking a walk, daydreaming and doing absolutely nothing.

   When I don’t have time to completely recharge between social occasions, I find myself getting overloaded more easily. Feeling overloaded means I need to start taking breaks. Even at a dinner party I can step away from interacting. I can help do the dishes, step outside or just observe. Giving myself permission to just be quiet helps enormously.

    In group conversations I usually find myself still thinking about what someone said after the discussion has moved on to another topic. Other people seem to have an innate sense of how to follow those ongoing shifts. The timing baffles me. When I have something to say, I’m often not sure how to join the discussion because there doesn’t seem to be any opening. If I give myself permission to be quiet, I can watch and enjoy what’s happening without the pressure to interact.

     Another strategy I picked up from The Introvert Advantage is to find the other introvert in the room and start a conversation with him or her. At parties I look for the person who seems as baffled as I feel, is sitting alone quietly or playing with the cat. Actually if I can’t find another introvert, I’m likely to be the one playing with the cat.

    Starting conversations a stranger isn’t comfortable for me, but I’m pretty good with people one-on-one. That’s typical for introverts. I often start the conversation with something like, “Tough room for introverts, huh?” It’s a great way for me to learn how other introverts deal with parties.

     I’m getting on a plane in a couple days to go visit my family on North Captiva Island for the holidays. I’m looking forward to seeing my family. Since I know I’m in for a very social week, I’m packing things I need to make little introvert breaks for myself:  books, sketchbook and my IPod. I’ve got a beach to walk on too. It’s good for me to push my introvert comfort zone and practice my extrovert skills.  

   I also know I’ll come home feeling done with interacting. I’m giving myself at least a couple days to just be at home…the two friends who invited me to a New Year’s Eve parties got a “maybe.”