Learning Your Own Way

     I’ve been thinking a lot this past week about how I learn new ways of being and doing. I’m pretty good with head learning. I can follow directions when I’ve read them. I can repeat a series of steps once someone shows me what to do.

    But is that really learning? When I follow a set of directions I often feel like I’m imitating someone else. Yes, that’s form of learning but it’s shallow. It’s following a script but without real content behind it. Until I take the steps and make them my own by figuring out my way of doing it, I’m mimicking more than I’m learning.

     I’ve had this experience with attending workshops or going to a teacher to learn something. When the instructor emphasizes teaching a specific technique over sharing how s/he developed that technique I usually end up in one of two places: a) I have a great experience doing what’s been taught during the workshop and then can’t recreate it at home or b) I pick up something new that works for six months or a year and then suddenly stops working.

    The most valuable things I’ve received from workshops, teachers, mentors, therapists, etc. are tools I can use to find the way that works best for me. If all I pick up is a technique, then what happens when it stops working? I’m left looking for another person to teach me his or her way of doing it.

    There is a limit to how much I can learn from another’s experience. No one else can tell me what will work best for me. I have to find that for myself via my own experience.

    Pretty simple, huh? Simple… but not as easy as it sounds.

    First I need to dig up and release the expectations, beliefs and ideas that prevent me from exploring, including any notions I have of what everybody does or what I think “most people” do. Do I want to be “most people” or do I want to be me? When I hang onto other people’s choices, experience or actions as norm or an indication of what something is “supposed” to look like, I leave myself no room to explore.

    I also have to throw out the idea that there is a “right” way or only one way. Bottom line – there is rarely a “right” way and never only one way. (Never is a word I use sparingly.)

    Letting go of “right” or there only being one way doesn’t magically remove those thoughts from my head. They’ll still arise as soon as I do something that looks different from what other’s do.

     This opens me to being conscious of where I’ve buried my way under habitual ways of being and doing. Habit and routine are not “bad” things. Human beings are creatures of habit. Habit and routine allow me to get dressed and do the dishes without having to think those actions through each time.

    Habit and routine give me the comfort of familiarity. They can also become constraints. When something becomes a habit, I no longer think about what I’m doing, how I’m doing it or pay attention to the internal dialogue that accompanies the action.

    The first challenge in looking at habit and routine is just that…getting a look at it. To see what I’m doing I need to become mindful in the places where I don’t usually pay attention. I start by taking a few basic habits and temporarily breaking them. I brush my teeth with the opposite hand. I put my shirt on first when I get dressed rather than my jeans.

     The mild discomfort created by doing a couple things differently is enough for make me more conscious of what’s happening in the habitual places in my life. Then I can begin asking questions about my habits.

     Is this really my way of doing this or am I following a script from some external norm? Do I clean the house the same way my mother did because I’ve taken that on as the “right” way to do it? If I vacuum before I clean the bathroom, do I hear her voice in my head telling me to do the bathroom first?

     Ultimately how I chose to clean the house is irrelevant. It’s not about the action. The important piece is what goes on internally. If I am wedded to obeying someone else’s instructions on how to clean the house, how much room do I give myself to find my way with something bigger?

     Most of us cringe at the idea of being obedient. When we do something a certain way because of a societal norm, social or parental expectations or based on a rule, that’s exactly what we’re doing. We’re being obedient to someone or something outside ourselves.

     This is rarely a conscious choice. It comes from taking what we’re told and what we see at face value. Mom says this is the best way to clean the house. We accept that without questioning and adopt it.

     Being aware of my obedient places is vital because to find what fits for me to I have to shift out of giving my authority away. The best way for someone else is not going to be what works best for me. I can use another’s experience as a place to start but to find my way I need to listen more internally than externally.

    Whether I’m learning to live like a gypsy or looking for a new way to respond in an old situation, the process is the same. Creativity, curiosity, exploration and lots of trial and error.