Shaow play: excavating the gold

      I ended last week's post talking about making a list of your little monsters and pairing them with the complimentary characteristic. Both are part of you. I didn't talk about what actually happens when you take inventory. In theory, taking a shadow inventory is no different than a store owner taking inventory of his stock.
     In practice, the difference is how it feels to take inventory. For the store owner counting cans of peas isn't likely to set off a flood of self-judgement or memories he'd rather avoid. Taking a shadow inventory is pretty much guaranteed to bring you face-to-face with your shadow's uber guardian...judgement.
     Judgement is both part of shadow and its supreme gatekeeper. When you disown a piece of self into shadow, you do so because you've judged it to be bad, wrong, inappropriate or unacceptable. Once that characteristic is part of shadow, your ongoing judgement keeps it there and prevents you from examining it. These judgements show up as self-criticism and fears about what others will think.
     The fear of what other people will think if they know you can be petty, jealous or so angry you want to kill someone is rooted in the judgements you've taken on from friends, family, peers and society at large. Here again you butt up against your lizard brain survival instinct. You need the tribe to survive, so you unconsciously align yourself with the tribe's idea of what is and is not acceptable.
     But the tribe is made of individuals who form smaller groups based on shared values. Your lizard brain only deals in black and white so it doesn't take this distinction into account. Unless you go back and reexamine the judgements you've taken on, you will default to aligning yourself with mass consciousness because it has the loudest voice.
    To excavate the gold in shadow, you need to actively engage the little monsters. As the uber protector of shadow, judgement wants to do its job by capturing your attentions so completely that you don't get any further.
    The judgement monster wants to be heard. Engaging the judgement means listening from a distance as though you're overhearing a conversation from the next room, rather than giving it your full frontal attention as you would a trusted friend.
    Shadow monsters loom large in the darkness of the unconscious. When they are brought into consciousness, they lose their ability to shape shift. Actively engaging the monsters is all about bringing them into consciousness so you can really see what they look like.
    The biggest pitfall in engaging judgement is its ability to hold your attention hostage. From the hostage position you'll believe you're actively engaging your shadow when you're really wallowing and recycling your judgements about your shadow over and over.
    If this sounds like you need to gear up for a battle, let that one go. The ultimate goal of a battle is destruction. Your shadow cannot be destroyed. This is not about annihilating anything. In fact the urge to destroy or annihilate is coming from your shadow and meeting it with equal force will only serve to feed it.
    As you make your list you may be surprised at the ferocity the little monsters you've disowned for years have. Why do the monsters grow when they're rejected? Why doesn't the gold also grow when it's disowned?
    I chewed on those questions for years. After doing a lot of reading, observing my own experience and talking to others who work with shadow, the answer came in a shamanic journey. When I understood what was happening, it was one of those "duh!" moments.
     The dark corners of my unconscious are the ideal environment my little monsters need to thrive. Each time I disown a monster, I send it right back to its favorite place. This is a powerful example of "what you resist persists." In contrast, the shadow gold needs conscious attention to grow. When I reject the gold, I push it into an environment where it can only stay dormant.
     The monsters thrive in unconscious darkness and lose power when brought to consciousness.The shadow gold lays dormant in the dark and grows with mindful attention.
   Acceptance is the antidote to judgement, the complimentary characteristic that balances it. That's the gold. Accepting shadow is one of the most powerful choices a human being can make. That choice opens us to being more compassionate and accepting in the world. Accepting your shadow is an act of self-compassion.
     Acceptance begins with looking the little monsters in the eye and owning them. Yes, this will bring up your judgement. As you listen to what the judgement says, at some point that voice will begin to repeat itself. When the judgement begins saying the same thing over and over, it has no new information to offer.
    This is fine line between active engagement and being held hostage. If you continue to listen to the monsters repetitive litany, your attention will feed it. Rather than rejecting the monster, redirect your attention. Take a walk. Make a gratitude list. Thank the Universe for something. Focus on the times you've practiced acceptance and how that felt. This will feed the gold.
    When the monsters voice becomes too loud and overwhelming, question it. Is this  really true? Why do I believe this about myself? Why do I believe anything this monster says?
    Acceptance of shadow is not about liking it, doing a little happy dance when you meet it or making it emotionally nuetral. You'll probably still feel sad or frustrated when you find yourself acting out your monsters. That's just part of being human.
     Acceptance is acknowledging what is. It's about naming and owning the little monsters without rationalizing, justifying, making excuses or projecting them onto someone else. The moment when you see the little monsters for what they are is the moment when they begin to shrink and you can excavate the gold.

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