Change, acceptance and trying

     This week I ran across an article in the Huffington Post about how February is generally when New Year’s resolutions begin to fail. It got me thinking about the relationship between change, acceptance and trying.

        I usually see the relationship between change and acceptance written as change vs. acceptance. But that’s misleading. It’s not an either/or. The relationship between change and acceptance is a both/and.

     The world is full of things I can’t change:  the weather, clients missing appointments, whether or not the shoes I ordered get delivered today, etc.  When it comes to the life happens stuff, I have a choice of accepting what is or expending a bunch of energy being irritated. Even that’s not really an either/or. I often both feel frustrated and acknowledge that I can’t change what’s happening.

    When it comes to the things I can change, I don’t get to make changes until I accept what’s going on. That’s even true of minor changes like remembering to turn the heat down before I leave the house. That change was pretty easy. Put up some sticky notes on the door and next to my keys reminding me to check the thermostat. Move the notes around so I don’t get so used them I no longer really see them. A couple months later checking the thermostat is part of my leaving the house routine.

    That habit was easy to change because accepting my lack of attention was easy.  I didn’t feel a charge or make a value judgment around my forgetting. My internal dialogue didn’t segue into me being an idiot or a “bad” person because I forgot to turn down the thermostat.

     The other piece that made this change easy….there was no “should” involved. When a piece of me that I’m uncomfortable with is reflected back to me, my brain jumps in with a “should” around it. If I’m feeling uncomfortable with my eating habits and I over hear three conversations about eating better, my brain will leap in with a whole lot of noise about how “I should eat better.”

     I can make that leap in a fraction of a second. But what’s really going on here? I’m uncomfortable with my eating habits, but not squirming enough to do something differently. That feeling prompts my brain to jump in and attempt to mitigate my discomfort by creating a “should” to push me to take action. To reinforce the “should” my inner critic chimes in with a judgment about not doing what I “should” be doing. That’s usually followed by a pile of rationalizations, justifications and excuses about why I’m not taking action now…which adds to my discomfort.

    “Should” leads to trying which can be part of the process of change. It’s also where I am most apt to get in my own way.

     Based on the judgment I’m making about myself and discomfort I can decide to do something differently. If I go that route, I set myself up to “try.” I’m not really ready to make a change, I just wish I was. If I act from where I wish I was rather than from where I am in a couple months I’ll be right back in the cycle of excuses, judgment and discomfort.

    Change is an inside job. It doesn’t come from a “should”, trying or a judgment. It begins with feeling uncomfortable enough that wading through the fear of things being different is better than staying where I am. It starts from me feeling completely done with whatever habit I’m engaging in. Feeling done comes from my gut, not my head.

    Trying can be part of be of change but often it’s a big pile of stuck. When I try, at best I’m fighting myself to follow a script for what the change I want might look like. The liability of “trying” is that I can talk myself into believing I’m really doing something when I’m not. As long as I believe I’m doing something I’m not likely to dig deeper. So trying to change becomes a way to avoid actually changing.

    No matter how painful something is, most of the time some part of me wants to stay in the discomfort because it’s familiar. The familiar is where my ego is comfortable. Until the parts of me that want to be different are stronger than the part that wants to stay where it is, change isn’t going to happen. So how do I move from “should” and trying to planting the seed of change inside me?

     This is where radical acceptance comes in. I don’t get to be somewhere else until I own where I am now. That means getting past my rationalizations, justifications, excuses and judgments. Radical acceptance is unconditional. It’s about accepting all of what is right now and not making anything “wrong.”  I’m repeating some pattern I’m uncomfortable engaging in. In a sense that makes the pattern unacceptable to me, but I can still accept my behavior and how I feel about it as part of what is in this moment.

   Trying leads me to avoiding my discomfort by doing rather than being with it. Radical acceptance leads me into the discomfort. I start with owning what I’m aware of right now, including not being ready to change. From there I often play a little game with myself. I wish I wasn’t doing X, but I am…so be it. If I chose do X, then that’s what I’m choosing. No excuses, justification, rationalization or blaming my choice on circumstances or another person.

    That’s tough to do. It usually involves a lot of telling my ego and inner critic “So what?” when they leap in to offer a reason for my behavior or how I’m feeling. Refusing to give my attention to excuses and blame opens me to feel my discomfort and start asking questions. What is the discomfort really about? What am I getting out of continuing to engage in this pattern? What scares me about changing the pattern? Am I staying in the pattern to avoid that fear?

    The longer I’m able to stay with the inquiry, the more opportunity I give myself to engage with what’s going on at the feeling level. Deeply feeling what I’m doing leads me to the point of being done with it.

    Ever notice how when you’re edging up to making a change, the thing you wish you weren’t doing is what some part of you wants to do all the time?  That’s where trying can be part of the process. Sometimes the frustration that comes from trying and fighting with me is what gives me the clarity I need to get real about where I am.