Navigating the gap between wanting to and being willing to

  

     I had a wonderful, soul-feeding conversation with a friend over the weekend. Both of us are in a place where deep wants are shifting from formless desire into things we’re creating in our lives. After we talked it struck me that both of us are navigating that gap between wanting to and being willing to.

     Some days my wants are few and pretty simple. Other days I want all kinds of things. My wants range from passing impulses to temporary desire and deep longing. If I run into someone wearing a t-shirt I really like, I can get a want going about having that shirt. That’s an impulse want. If I wait a day or two the impulse usually passes.

    Temporary desires arise and fall on a daily basis. I want a cappuccino. I want to connect with a friend I haven’t talked to in a while. My feet are wet. I want dry socks. With these temporary desires, the gap between want and being willing to is almost nonexistent. I go find some coffee. I leave a message for the friend. I change my socks.

    When it comes to deeper longings I can lapse into an odd, self-imposed kind of amnesia. If I react to wanting a cappuccino by sitting down on the couch and waiting for someone or something to bring me coffee that’s an absurd reaction. I’ll probably be sitting there till I’m 102…but when it comes to deeper a longing, that’s often my initial response. Sit, feed the want with my attention and fall into expecting the Universe or some other person to give me what I long for.

     Yes, there’s a big difference between wanting a cappuccino and longing for a deeper relationship with who I really am….but the difference is mostly in the details. I know how to satisfy my want for a cappuccino. Either grab my keys and drive to a coffee shop or go to the kitchen and make one. I know how to take action on that. Until I’m willing to do either one of those things, it’s pretty unlikely the cappuccino is going to magically appear.

    With deeper longings sometimes I don’t know what I’m really longing for or how to meet the longing.  That difference can seem like a big deal. If I spend a bunch of time spinning around in my head about not knowing what to do, I can make that difference into a huge issue. But it really isn’t. I navigate the space between wanting to and being willing to exactly the same way. With wanting cappuccino I jump that gap so quickly I don’t have to be conscious of what I’m doing. When it comes to deeper longings, consciousness is required.

    Even though the object of my longing may seem obvious, when I begin to investigate I often find the object is just a placeholder. What I really want is how I see myself feeling if I have that thing, not the thing itself. That’s a crucial difference. When I long for something formless like a greater sense of freedom, my brain leaps in to offer a solution for how that could happen. That how comes from sorting through possible scenarios and picking one.

     All very logical but my brain is only selecting from what it can conceive of as a possibility.  No matter how big my brain is, the range of possibilities it sees is only a tiny fraction of what could happen. If I get attached to option my brain presents as the answer, I limit how much room the Universe has to work in my life.

    Once I have a clearer sense of what I’m longing for, it’s time to befriend the want. This can be tricky. There is a huge but subtle difference between experiencing the longing and feeding it. If I focus on the feeling of wanting rather than what the wanting is about, I risk growing the want into a sense of lack. With deep wants that I don’t know how to step into, I often unconsciously steer clear of those places inside me. When I do run into them, I step away pretty quickly.

    To befriend the want, have to stop avoiding it. Like other aspects of me I habitually dodge, choosing not to avoid the longing doesn’t make it immediately want to talk to me. I usually have to engage is a bit of coaxing and inviting. That often looks like talking and daydreaming about the want. I used to wonder if the talking and daydreaming weren’t just new ways to skirt the want. They can be if I lapse into daydreaming as a substitute for taking action. Talking and daydreaming can also be vital part of moving from want to into willing to. It’s a way for me to invite the want to reveal itself.

    When I feel the longing, rather than retreating, I let it in and experience it. What does this longing feel like? It is heavy? Sharp? How big is it? How does it affect me to carry this want around with me? Am I shutting down in other places to avoid this want? What excuses and rationalizations do I create around it? Do I letting not know how to create what I want to make the want seem impossible? What about this want scares me?

    Allowing myself to really experience my longing propels me from wanting to into being willing to.  Wanting to is an expression of desire and longing. It isn’t a statement of intention or action. Want does not automatically create change. Change begins with saying “yes” to that magic moment when want and willing to collide