When I landed in recovery in my early twenties my life was
an unfolding train wreck. Things happened. I reacted. My reaction spawned more
events that I reacted to and on and on and on. Recovery introduced me to the concept of
surrender and to a higher power as tangible presence in my life, rather than
abstract idea. Although I didn’t like the idea of surrender, I couldn’t deny
that my addiction had kicked my butt.
Integrating and
getting my head around the concept of surrender involved a lot of playing with
it. What did the Universe want from me? How far did this surrender thing go? One
morning I dumped all my socks on my bed and decided to sit there until the
Universe told me which pair to put on. I don’t remember how long I waited to
put on my socks. I felt both disappointed and relieved when a sticky note didn’t
appear on my bed telling me what to wear.
The relief came from
learning that surrender didn’t mean letting something else take me over and
force me to do something. That was the beginning of my stepping away from a
typical Western concept of surrender into something that looks more like a
partnership.
In our go-getter,
make it happen society surrender often has a decidedly negative connotation.
Many of us associate surrender with waving the proverbial white flag. We see
surrender as giving up, giving in, giving over or some other form of relinquishing
our autonomy.
Surrendering and
being conquered are not the same thing. Surrender is about inviting the
Universe to be a partner in the life I’m creating and taking more responsibility
for my choices, not less.
As with any other
collaboration, the partnership works best when I’m clear on what is and isn’t
my part. That’s where choice as the counterbalance to surrender comes in. My
part consists of whatever’s happening right now. All the power I have is in the
present moment. I can meet what’s in front of me, make choices and the rest is
up to the Universe. Simple but far from easy.
Being able to do
that means letting go of whatever isn’t happening right now. That’s a skill that takes practice. I first
became aware of how much I wasn’t letting go when it came to future plans. I’d
make a decision about doing something next week or next month. Because I was no
longer actively in the decision process, I thought I’d let go. I hadn’t.
If the decision involved
something I felt excited or anxious about, my head leapt in to create
scenarios. If the scenarios centered on something that might be difficult I’d
spend hours going over what I’d say or do if this or that happened. If I liked
the scenarios I’d forget they were just possibilities. I’d feed them with my
attention until some part of me was convinced that what I imagined might happen
was going to happen.
When the event I’d
spent so much time ruminating over arrived, it rarely looked like my
projections. That usually left me scrambling around in my head about why this didn’t
look like I thought it would….which made it really difficult to stay present
with what was happening.
It took me a few
years to see that all my monkey mind after making the choice was a warped
attempt at controlling or influencing future events. I forgot and still often do
that all the power I have to change or affect future events lies in this
moment. When I get ahead of myself, I rob myself of my own power by trying to
do the Universe’s job.
While the idea staying
present and making plans seems contradictory, it isn’t. For most of us, making
future plans is a necessity. My calendar between now and the end of 2015 has a
lot of plans in it. I can pretty much guarantee that most of it won’t look like
it does in my calendar. The timing will change. Some of what I’ve planned won’t
happen at all. Some will show up looking
entirely different than what I can see right now.
A lot of that
rearrangement will come from surrendering to the Universe and what’s bigger. My
part in that is paying attention. Ever hear that saying about “If you want to
make the Universe laugh, make plans”? My version is “If you want to make the
Universe laugh, get attached to your plans.”
When I get
attached to what I’ve projected, I give myself tunnel vision. The Universe
rarely leaves a sticky note on my bed letting me know this fork in the road
will lead to something much better than what I have planned. The Universe
speaks through other people, unexpected opportunities, gifts and little nudges.
If I’m too focused on what I think should be happening, I not only miss the
magic by cutting off the ways the Universe can surprise me. Bottom line - collaboration
doesn’t work if I invite the Universe in and then decide to ignore it.
And it doesn’t
work if I expect the Universe to do all the work by doing it for me. I am
responsible for meeting this moment, making choices and letting go into what
comes in the next moment. That letting go is opening to the magic of bigger. The
most profound and amazing experiences in my life come from following nudges..not
from what I had planned.
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