"I deserve"....or not

  

   “I deserve….” I was in my mid-twenties the first time I dared say those words. At that point, it was a revolutionary act. Using that language was part of my moving away from seeing myself as less than. It was a declaration to the Universe that I’d begun to value me.

     Two plus decades later, the idea of deserving holds a different meaning. In early April I wrote a brief message on a friends Facebook page wishing her an awesome birthday because she deserved it. Even as I as typing the message I found myself cringing at the word “deserve.”

    As I sat with my reaction I realized the internal flinch had been present for a while. I just hadn’t noticed it. In my twenties “I deserve” was a shift into respecting and valuing myself. At forty-nine it’s not about valuing me. The word “deserve” now shifts me away from gratitude and toward entitlement.

     Dictionary.com defines “deserve” as:

1. to merit, be qualified for, or have a claim to (reward, assistance, punishment, etc.)
because of actions, qualities, or situation: to deserve exile; to deserve charity; a theory that deserves consideration.
2. to be worthy of, qualified for, or have a claim to reward, punishment, recompense, etc.: to reward him as he deserves; an idea deserving of study.

   Even the dictionary equates “deserve” with something I have earned or am owed. When I receive something I’m owed, it’s not a gift. It’s my due; something I’m entitled to.

     When I announce that I deserve I’m telling the world and the Universe that they owe me something just because I exist. How is that any different from thinking my favorite coffee shop owes me a cappuccino just because I walked in the door?

    If I believe I have food and shelter because I deserve them, what am I saying about people who don’t have those things? Do I really believe the homeless man asking for money outside Walmart doesn’t have shelter because he doesn’t deserve it? Why do I think being alive makes me entitled to something he doesn’t have?

    When I say “I deserve” I’m making a judgment. It’s a sneaky sideways one, but it’s a judgment about my worthiness vs. the worthiness of others. That judgment comes from ego. We tend to think of ego as the thing that leads us to an inflated sense of self-importance. Ego is equally involved when we see ourselves through a lens of inferiority.

     Bottom line – the world and the Universe were around long before I showed up. They owe me nothing. When I believe the Universe owes me, I am out of right relation.

    The concept of right relation is one I learned from years of participating in sweat lodges. When I live in awareness of my right size in relation to the rest of the Universe, I am in right relation. I am one of seven billion small, vulnerable two-leggeds supported by the generosity of a much larger organism called Earth.

     I am a tiny piece of something vast; an integral part of the larger whole. Being small does not make me insignificant. I see that reflected in the way my body functions. A deficiency of one single vitamin or mineral can affect the way I think or move and even cause pain. If I believe “I deserve” I am not in right relation with me let alone the rest of the Universe.

    I’ve also noticed that “I deserve” is a place where I dig my heels in. I usually say “I deserve” with defiance and anger. Under those emotions is a tinge of victim that comes from thinking I’m not getting something other people have and/or I should have.

   I deserve X or Y damn it and I’m going to stand here till the Universe brings it to me. Yeah…good luck with that one.

   When I dig my heels in like that, I give my power away. I project my want and the responsibility for making it happen onto the Universe. Essentially I’m saying to the Universe “fix it.” Working with clients for a decade, I’ve been on the receiving end of the “fix it” projection many times….and I don’t like it.

    I can’t fix anyone. I don’t have the proverbial magic wand. If I ever find it, I’ll use it myself first. My intention with clients is to support, witness, assist and provide tools for growth. That’s very different than “fixing” or doing it for them.

    How sustainable is fixing it? For years I had a quote on my wall that read, “The greatest harm you can do another person is to deprive them of the opportunity to grow.” (Apologies for not attributing this. I don’t know who said it.) What am I doing to myself when I slid into entitlement and demand that Universe “fix” something for me?

    Although “I deserve” may sound like a demand, I’m really asking for something. How does my ability to receive figure in? Deserving is tied to something I believe I’ve earned or am owed. So making a request from the “deserve” mindset leaves me locked into judging whether or not I have earned what I’m asking for. Like many people, my sense of whether or not I’ve done enough to earn something is pretty skewed at times. I can’t help wondering how often my judgments about my own worthiness push away what I’m asking for.

       “I deserve” is not where I want to live. I’d rather live with gratitude, appreciation and an awareness of grace. Those choices don’t include believing that I am owed or entitled to anything.